Objective: Emiya
by Moczo
Summary: When seeking true love, most will advise you to be yourself. Ilya is not seeking true love, however. She is going to WAR for true love. And why be herself when being someone else is so much more efficient?
1. Einzbern File 001

_****_**Author's Note: This... this is... this story is... um...**** it definitely _is _made of words, I know that...  
**

* * *

_**Objective: Emiya**_

**Einzbern File #001: The Planning Phase**

Ilyasviel von Einzbern pondered.

Ponder.

Ponder.

Ponder.

"Sella! Leysritt!" She snapped finally. "Advice mode!"

Her two maids, in proper Einzbern tradition, appeared in her room as if from nowhere; Ilya didn't even hear the door open. She approved of this... in her mind an efficient maid was essentially a combination of domestic servant and ghost.

"What," She asked, "Time is it?"

Sella and Leysritt blinked. "I believe it is noon, milady." Sella answered after a short pause.

"And what is eaten, traditionally, at noon?" Ilya asked.

"Lunch, milady."

"And who ate lunch with me, this noontide hour?" Ilya asked. "Who was my company in this meal?"

Sella and Leysritt stopped to ponder this once again, because even an emotionless homunculus maid can be confused. They understood that this was a trap of some sort, here... Ilya was obviously not happy, and when Ilya got angry, folks tended to be hurt. Sella and Leysritt didn't have a _lot _of self-preservation instinct, but they did have _some _and therefore wanted to kinda be sure the person who got hurt was not them. They didn't _think _she was angry at them, but it was hard to be sure. Keeping track of the young mistress's emotions required a guidebook and several maps.

"Mistress..." Leysritt finally said. "I believed you took lunch alone, tod-"

"_Exactly!_" Ilya roared. Had they been the sort to be startled, Sella and Leysritt would have been startled. "Alone! Despite a standing invitation to dine with me, sleep over in my lavish castle in my bed that is the perfect size for cuddling, and wash my back in the bath, I have spent today, and indeed most days, utterly Shirou-less! My Shirou levels are critically low! And it _vexes _me. It vexes me _greatly_."

Sella, despite herself, had to repress a sigh. "Milady... I understand you are somewhat fond of the young Mr. Emiya." She said, pronouncing 'Emiya' in the tone most people would use to say 'festering skin rash'. "Have you considered, however, that this fondness might be somewhat misplaced? He has treated you as though you were a... a lady of _common birth_. He ignores your attention, fails to even slightly worship you, and yet you continue to seek his affection. It... well, I cannot lie, it worries me, milady. I feel like you repeat the same futile actions over and over again, for a man who simply cannot _appreciate _your unique appeal."

"... … … … you may be right, Sella." Ilya said.

"Of course, you are the lady of the castle. Your path is your own to choose, and if you wish to pursue this man we have no choice but to comply with your will no matter how much we disappr-" Sella began, before abruptly stopping, her eyes widening with the most genuine emotion she'd shown in years. "... milady, did you just agree with me?"

"You... you..." Leysritt said, her voice soft. "You're _taking advice_? Milady, are... are you ill? You _never _listen to the opinions of others. You once said that you determine who to ignore by listening for words that sound too different from your own thoughts."

"I do, and I maintain it is a wise course of action. Yet despite this clear genius? I remain Shirouless." Ilya said. "As much as I hate to admit it, I find that my current course of action is not getting me the results I desire. Something has to change. If I want my man, I clearly need a _new approach_. And I need you two to find it for me."

"... Milady, that is really not what I meant when I said something needed to change." Sella said. She really shouldn't have bothered, because Ilya was well beyond listening.

"Why is Shirou never with me?" Ilya asked. "Because his attention is divided. There are rivals... _rivals for his affection_. I don't blame them... great men often attract hangers on. But despite the fact that they are, obviously, not the right choice for him, these simple creatures have somehow managed to hold onii-chan's attention. I need to know their secrets, ladies. What common deception they have used to ensare Shirou's primitive male instincts."

"So you can... free him from it and create a level playing field?"

"What? Level? Leysritt, that's stupid. I want to beat them at their own game and use their tricks to ensnare Shirou for myself." Ilya said. "I'm done playing fair. This is war and I'm going to win."

"... Mistress, I can't help but notice that you didn't put this much effort into the _actual _War you were in..."

"I prefer to live in the 'now'." Ilya said dismissively. "Now, I need you girls to go do something for me..."

* * *

Some time later, Ilya smirked at the discs. "And you got all three? You're sure?"

"The spy network of the Einzberns is flawless, milady." Sella said with a touch of pride. Then, with slightly less pride, she said, "It is... um... also not made for spying on teenage girls. But... … you _are _the mistress."

"Yeeeees... yeeeeeeessssssssss!" Ilya hissed maniacally. "Soon... soon! Saber, Rin, Sakura... soon, you will face the wrath of Einzbern! You! Shall! All! Faaaaaaaaall!"

As Ilya took the collected data and retreated to her private War Room (Yes, she had appointed a War Room specifically for this vague whim), Sella and Leysritt stood in silence.

"Sella?" Leysritt asked.

"Yes, sister?"

"Do you ever wonder if, perhaps we should have pushed the young mistress to... get out more?"

"She probably would benefit from a hobby, yes."

* * *

Ilya smiled, the monitors of the Einzbern Romance War Room (She thought that the 'romance' in the title gave it a little something 'extra'. A certain little something other War Rooms lacked. Oh, but this was _fun! _A grand battle for romance!) displaying the data she had painstakingly collected.

… okay, had her family's spy network and magical servants collect for her. She still considered this to be at least partially a successful effort on her own part. It had not been _easy _to be born into a family of insanely wealthy wizards, after all. And hey, she was the brains of the operation! She'd handled the planning phase, that was big. Yes, she was a key factor in the success of the operation, no doubts there! She knew it must be true because she'd thought of it, and obviously she wouldn't lie. _Especially _not to herself.

But regardless of where the exact 'effort' had been placed and who had done the most 'work' (She was still pretty sure she'd done the hard part), she couldn't argue with the results. Three monitors were lit, and on each danced a variety of images, though all were of a few particular subjects. Ilya's eyes drank them in.

On one monitor, a beautiful blonde woman, petite and girlish, but with an aura of dignity that added steel to her otherwise almost ethereal loveliness. She was cold, and lovely, like a sculpture carved from diamond. Indisputably beautiful, but somehow... beyond human. Like a young goddess made flesh.

On another a raven-haired girl in red. In one image she was as cool and dignified as the blonde, in another she smiled with an inner fire that made her seem almost a different woman. In both, her eyes were the same, though: burning with intelligence, humor, and charisma the eyes of a born star. She was _shining. _

And finally, a girl with violet hair and eyes, smiling gently. Easily as beautiful as the previous two, she differed from them mainly in the appearance she gave of kindness... in some indefinable way, every inch of her simply exuded gentleness, care, and a quiet, soft grace. Even an image of her could somehow just... put the mind and soul at ease. She was peaceful, beyond all else.

Ilya looked at these amazing girls, and had only one thought.

_Man-stealing hussies. _

Then she opened the data files, and began to study. Photos, notes, clandestine videos, testimony from classmates. These girls had a certain commoner appeal, Ilya knew. And as a proud noblewoman, Ilya knew that there was little that could not be achieved by exploiting the Hell out of some commoners. All she had to do was determine what, exactly, she needed to exploit. And so she studied.

The first rule of war was, after all, to know your enemy.


	2. Einzbern File 002

**Einzbern File #002: Saber**

Ilya was not a stupid girl. Self-centered, catty, kinda bitchy, sure. But not stupid. She knew who the most important competitor was.

Shirou spent a lot of time with Saber. A _lot_. It was a little weird, how with multiple girls who were allegedly of equal importance, it seemed Saber got most of the attention. As someone who firmly believed that all of the attention should be fairly and evenly distributed (By which she meant that all of the attention should be given to herself, forever, and the other girls should all move to another country. Italy was lovely this time of year, she heard.), Ilya found this offensive. Saber was enjoying the benefits of clear and obvious favoritism. But _why_?

Luckily, this abundance of Saber-love meant that there was quite a lot of footage to sift through. Ilya already knew the Servant well enough, and knew her regal bearing and general quiet dignity could have a tremendous impact on stupid, stupid men. An icy blonde? Ilya could be that (sorta) without issue. But there had to be more to Saber's appeal than that, and Ilya intended to find it.

As she watched and studied, a pattern emerged quickly. A great deal of the footage... a worrisome deal of it, in fact... seemed to be focused on Saber eating a level of food that would have been enough to feed a person roughly twelve times her body mass. "Does her stomach just lead to a black hole? How does she not explode?" Ilya muttered, watching what seemed to be the fiftieth straight video of Saber eating something too large for her face. Still, if it happened this often and onii-chan spent that much time with her, that was a sign, right? It must be important. Yes... _yes_. It made sense. Shirou _loved _to cook, so logically he would be interested in someone who loved to eat! It was logic. Ilya made a note of it and continued her information sweep, looking for other patterns.

After eating, Saber's major contribution to Emiya Household Activity was at the dojo. She and Shirou often went in immediately after he arrived home from school, and left immediately before dinner, one of them very bruised and beaten horribly. Either Shirou was a masochist and the dojo was just his preferred spot to get his 'fix' (And Ilya was not totally discounting that. She already had a considerable selection of whips, and leather wasn't hard to get.), or he really, really enjoyed swordsmanship training. Possibly both; Ilya couldn't honestly picture someone really enjoying getting the crap beaten out of them with a stick every day unless they were a _little _bit of a masochist, too. In any case, it was something else of interest to note.

Hmmmm... not bad. It was a solid, workable set of mission objectives at the very least. She was pretty sure she had worked out the majority of Saber's charm points. Still, there was always more to learn, and she had a few other, minor ideas. Tiny little things that Saber did that Shirou liked. Ilya knew the importance of the tiny, subtle nuances.

More specifically, she knew the importance of doing them bigger and better than Saber could ever _dream _of doing.

It would take a few days to get the needed supplies together, but she just _knew _that onii-chan would just _love _the surprise. The first assault began Sunday, and Ilya intended this battle to be a utter massacre.

**Preparations complete. Commence Operation.  
**

* * *

Shirou Emiya sidled into his home, carrying a grocery bag under each arm and edging the door open with his foot. As he walked to the kitchen, he called out to the home, "Um... anyone home? I could use some help unpacking this stuff, I'm ready to start on dinner, and..." However, as he stepped into the kitchen, he stopped. Words didn't seem to be working anymore.

The room was, bluntly, a disaster area. The fridge and all the cupboards were all wide open, and the floor was strewn with wrappers, crumbs, and half-devoured food. And sitting at the table, straight-backed and proud, treating the disaster zone as though it were an Imperial throne room, was his pseudo-sister.

"I-Ilya? What _happened _here? Did you do this?"

"Shirou. I was hungry, and required sustenance." She said. Her voice was... bizarrely cold and even, not at all her typical self.

"U-um... why didn't you just wait for me?" Shirou asked, stepping over an empty jar of mayonnaise. "I... I would have made you lunch..."

"My pride demanded I face the problem head on, as befitting royalty." Ilya said firmly, her tone still clipped and cold. "I chose to proceed without you."

"... … … right. Um... Ilya. Just a question? Have I done something to make you upset?" Shirou asked. He longed for her to squeal, or jump on his neck, call him an idiot and cry, _anything _that was... well, something Ilya did. She was acting like a robot duplicate of herself, and it was creeping him out immensely.

"Of course not. Why do you ask?" Ilya snapped.

"... … … … you just seem kinda..."

"Hungry. I have a large appetite." Ilya said, gesturing around the destroyed kitchen.

"This is endearing." Ilya informed him.

"... … suuuuuuuuure." Shirou said. He was beginning to wonder if maybe the issue wasn't that she was angry so much as she had just gone insane. Ilya had always been kind of flighty, and when she got some weird notion in her head... well, maybe too much fresh air could cause the homunculus brain to malfunction? Whatever the case, he needed to get this sorted out, and he needed her to calm down for that. Bending down to set his bags on the counter, he said, "Look, Ilya, I need to clean this up, and..."

Fighting instincts honed from long months of training and long nights of actual combat sent the tingle up his spine just in time, and he threw himself backwards just as the blade sliced through the air where his head had been.

It was a wooden sword, a bokken, and smaller than the norm to account for Ilya's below-average height and weight. It was still a solid chunk of wood that could have cracked his skull open without too much difficulty. "I-Ilya? What the-?"

Ilya looked so very, very, unreasonably proud of herself as she hefted the wooden blade. "I thought that as long as we were here, we could practice swordsmanship! No reason not to get your daily training in a bit early, right?"

"... Ilya, it's actually _really dangerous _for you to be swinging around a weapon that you don't know how to use, so maybe you can just stop being horrifying for a few minutes and..."

"And after this, the whips! If you're into that!" Ilya said enthusiastically, clearly no longer listening to a word Shirou said. Adrenaline did funny things to her like that.

"Ilya, what the _Hell _are you talking ab-ACK!" he squawked, leaping backwards to avoid Ilya's swinging the sword at his kneecaps. She was stronger than she looked, and while she was untrained, that didn't change the fact that she was swinging around a big damn piece of wood. When he was admitted to the hospital with a shattered femur, it wouldn't really matter overmuch to him if it had been broken by a master or a gifted amateur. Luckily, Shirou was used to being smacked around by master swordsmen, and at this point he was actually pretty damn good at not being killed. He stayed light on his feet, avoiding her wild swings by inches despite the cramped confines of the house.

"Ilya!" He snapped. "You need to... yikes! You need to _stop this_. You are being _crazy _and while I'm sort of used to that, in this particular case I am finding it a bit more difficult to take than usuULF!"

This last was caused by Shirou's memory of his own home betraying him. Where he had expected to find only empty carpet, someone had apparently chosen to place a couch, and he had leapt backwards into it and tripped.

He felt behind himself, trying to pick himself up off the couch and continue his escape... only to notice the couch felt awfully furry. And awfully coarse. And hard. And breathing.

Something made a soft, growling noise, behind him.

Ilya stopped, lowering her sword and breathing heavily from the exertion. "Oh, onii-chan! I see you met Beauregard! I got him this morning as a pet. Had him shipped in specially, on an international flight. Spared _no _expense. Isn't he just adorable?"

"Ilya..." Shirou said softly. "What am I leaning on?"

"Beauregard." Ilya repeated, her tone indicating she thought Shirou might just possibly be the dumbest person on the face of the planet. This was her way of showing affection.

"Ilya..." Shirou asked softly, trying not to move too much as Beauregard continued to growl at him. "If I turn around, am I going to find that I am pressed against a lion?"

"Well, of course. I picked a good one, too! He's on the large side. Quite fanged." Ilya said proudly. "I just know you'll _adore _him."

"Ah. Ah-ha." Shirou said. "Ilya?"

"Yes, onii-chan?"

"In a few seconds, the terror is going to penetrate my brain, and I'm going to run. I'm going to run away, screaming like a little girl." Shirou said in almost eerie calm. "Will Beauregard chase and kill me?"

"... … … he's _sorta _been trained not to do that." Ilya said.

"Sorta?"

"There were some issues with the trainer. I admit."

"The kind of issues that involve being mauled by a lion?"

"... in retrospect, I think that might be why the shipping was more expensive than the lion itself." Ilya said. "I confess, I didn't really do a lot of research into how much a good quality lion is supposed to cost. I kind of just bought the first one I could find. This may have been a miscalculation."

"Ah-ha." Shirou said, "So I'm going to need to run fast. That's... that's good to know."

Beauregard's low growl turned into an outright snarl. Shirou took that as a sign it was time to run like Hell.

Ilya watched as Shirou fled through the door without stopping to open it, releasing a loud, wordless scream as a lion bounded after him with a bloodthirsty snarl.

"... … … so, does this mean we're done sparring? Because I think I was starting to get really good with the sword!" Ilya said.

**MISSION: FAILED**


	3. Einzbern File 003

******Einzbern File #003: Tohsaka**  


Ilya stomped into her castle, the very picture of extremely tiny fury. "Sella! Leysritt! Consolation mode!"

Like ghosts, the twin maids appeared. Sella laid a fluffy white robe across Ilya's back, saying, "You are beautiful, intelligent, charming, and funny, milady."

Leysritt handed her a cup of steaming hot cocoa, saying, "You have wonderful hair, a beautiful singing voice, and the fashion sense of a young Goddess."

Ilya sipped her cocoa, frowning. "Hmmmm... yeah. Good consolations, girls, but it's just not working. My opening salvo of the war, and it was a _complete _failure." She turned to look out the door. "Especially you, Beauregard. You were an _utter _disappointment. Go to your corner and sit until I call you."

The lion padded into the castle, his head hung in dejection, to go into time-out.

"Shirou did not appreciate his lion, milady?"

"It turns out that giant predatory cats are _not _part of Saber's appeal." Ilya said. "I know, it shocked me too. Still, I think we learned something from this fiasco. 'Shirou doesn't like gigantic animals in his house'. I think this is a good guideline for future operations."

"... milady, perhaps we should... cease the operation." Sella said delicately. "I maintain that this is somewhat... beneath you. And perhaps...

"Sella," Ilya said. "I built a War Room. Do you think I'm just going to throw it away after using it once? Besides, this is a great plan. It just needs fine-tuning."

"... … … well, Milady, you... well, occasionally..." Sella said. She wasn't sure what was the best non-infuriating to say 'You are extremely flighty, childish, and do not seem to understand how logic works'. "... at times your decisions are... unique."

"I consider this to be one of my charm points," Ilya said. "To the War Room! Beauregard, come!"

The little Einzbern girl skipped to her chamber of stalking, a lightly-used lion trailing her obediently.

Sella and Leysritt watched in silence for several minutes.

"How... how did she get the lion to listen to her...?"

* * *

"Beauregard, I think I've spotted the issue." Ilya said, gazing into her Screens of Knowledge (Screens of Stalking sounded bad). "Tell me if you think this makes sense... the idea was sound. Saber's charm points were dead-on. But I may have overloaded Shirou's brain by using them all at once."

"Rowr." Beauregard said.

"I knew you'd agree! You have good taste."

"Rowr."

"But! We need to attempt some new points. He'll be expecting Saber. We need to keep him off-balance, so his thought processes don't process the wrong thoughts. It is time... _to study!_" Ilya proclaimed dramatically. "... … wow, that sounds so very boring. It is time... to _conquer_! Better."

"Rowr."

"I didn't bring you in on this to be a yes-man, Beauregard. Offer some constructive criticism."

"Rowr?"

"Good call! Rin is the logical second choice. See? That wasn't hard."

Ilya called up the data on Rin Tohsaka, observing the girl. Ilya had never liked Rin... well, she'd never liked any of them, but Rin was especially bad. "Shirou... why this one? She's just so... so... so very _Rin."_

Rin was a horrid witch, who constantly insulted and belittled those around her. She never stopped teasing anyone she could get at, felt a psychotic need to mock anyone who stood up to her, threw tantrums if she didn't get her own way...

"... is that what he likes? I'm not sure we ever found out if he was a masochist or not." Ilya wondered. Just to be safe, she jotted down 'Emotional Abuse' on Rin's list of charm points. "But she's nice to him sometimes, too. She gets all quiet and blushy and it's clearly fake, but Shirou seems to approve." So she added to that point, 'But Not Always'.

"Rowr." Beauregard said.

"You're right! We can't ignore physical characteristics." Ilya agreed. The next point went down to 'Pigtails'. "Does Rin have any other distinguishing physical attributes?"

She examined the girl for a few moments, noting her lithe, athletic physique, her long legs highlighted by a short skirt, her eye-catching red shirt that demanded attention. Confidently, Ilya wrote down as Rin's fourth charm point, 'Kind of a Whore'.

"Okay. That's a pretty good list, but I think it's still missing something. You know... that certain special something that sets Rin apart from other girls. The one thing she has the none of the others have. There must be _something_..."

She examined the data, uncertain of what she might be missing. She knew only that some vital point was not yet confirmed. Something was missing. She had captured the surface of Rin, but not the _essence _of Rin, the defining _factor _of Rin, the... the... the _Rintessence _of Rin. But the files were flawless. There would be something, some sign.

_There must be... there simply must..._  
_…_

_…_

_Ah. _

_AH._

"AH!" Ilya squealed in delight. There it was! It was so _obvious _she couldn't believe she hadn't seen it sooner. The one thing Rin had that neither Saber nor Sakura could boast. And as luck would have it? It was something that Ilya could match with _ease_. Even better than Rin herself!

"Beauregard!" Ilya commanded. "Go fetch your lion-saddle! We _ride to war."_

"Rowr."

"... point. I suppose it is like, 10PM. Okay new plan! We take a bath, and ride to war _tomorrow_.

**Preparations Complete. Commence Operation.**

_The Next Morning..._

Shirou Emiya opened his eyes and stretched. Normally, he wouldn't be sleeping in until the sun had risen, but he had almost been killed by a lion yesterday, and he felt that entitled him to relax. But it was time to wake up, get his chores done. The house had been kind of devastated yesterday, and work was required. Getting on his sweats, he opened his bedroom door and walked down the hall to the kitchen...

… where he found Ilya.

**Operation Rin, Phase One: Twin-tails.  
**

_Oh God, no. Please, no. _

Out loud, he said, "Um. Ilya. You're visiting again. How... nice to see you. You look... nice. Everything is nice. Please don't hurt me."

She was wearing her hair in pigtails, and for some reason wearing a trench-coat rather than her usual dresses.

_Well, at least she hasn't covered the kitchen in toxic sludge or brought in a grizzly bear. Now I just need to like... get rid of her. _Shirou thought. A bit blunt, perhaps, but he _really _couldn't afford another disaster zone right now.

"Hullo, onii-chan." Ilya said calmly.

"Ilya... is there something you want?" _Please God let her not want anything. Please. Please. I want to live. I truly want to live!_

"I," She said grandly. "Am wearing my hair in twin-tails."

"... that's... true."

"You like this." Ilya informed him.

"... well, yes. I do think it's nice." Shirou said. Maybe if he complimented her, she wouldn't kill him.

Ilya sighed internally. _Not how this was supposed to go. All right, let's try this on for size. _

She tossed aside the coat.

**Operation Rin, Phase Two: Dress Like a Whore  
**  
Shirou blinked a few times. Ilya was...

She was wearing... um...

Well.

It was hard to describe. Possibly intended to be sexy, but he couldn't be sure. There was a short skirt, a lot of red leather, a lot of frill, and some lacey... something. It was either sexy or clown-like. One of the two. Or maybe a sexy clown?

Shirou wasn't sure, so he decided to stick to something resembling a compliment again. Best not to infuriate her whilst she was still in his home. "Wow, Ilya! You look... really nice."

Ilya blinked. "Nice."

"Yes! Really nice." Shirou said.

"Nice. That's all you have to say." Ilya said glumly. She had sort of been hoping that he would have ravished her by now.

"... ... ... very nice?" Shirou said, then threw up his arms in front of his face just in case she had another sword hidden somewhere in that... whatever she was wearing.

Ilya rubbed her temples to stave off the headache. _Rin, this is somehow all your fault. _She thought glumly. "All right. The look doesn't cut it. Let's try...

**Operation Rin, Phase Three: Tsundere  
**  
"... something a little _different, _you filthy unlovable toad." Ilya snarled.

"... ... ... what?"

"You heard me, you spineless, wishy-washy piece of pond scum." Ilya said. "You act like a nice guy to lure in women, but really you're just a cowardly pissant too afraid to just pick a girl and _commit _to her. You break everyone's heart because you're a weak, weak little boy playing grown-up."

Shirou's jaw dropped. "Ilya... I... I don't know what I did to make you feel this way. I'm... I'm so..."

Ilya stepped forward and patted him on the arm. "Don't worry, I secretly like you."

"... ... ... ... huh?"

"That said, you're a pale, sickly worm, aren't you?" Ilya said. "All that exercise you do, you never get out into the sun? You look like a cave-dwelling slug, all dingy and hideously moist. God, just looking at you makes me feel a little ill."

Shirou just blinked. He wasn't sure if he was confused or just exhausted.

Ilya leaned closer to him and whispered. "I actually think you're quite good-looking, and I'm just afraid to admit it."

"That's... yeah. That's nice." Shirou said.

"Your house is a hideous, poverty stricken hell-hole I would not consign a leper to." She said. Then, in a stage whisper, she said, "Not really, I actually find it very cozy."

"... right. Ilya, I'm just gonna start cleaning up. You mind sitting in the living room until I finish up? You can watch TV, if you want."

"Y-yeah! You _do _need to clean up, you lazy, filthy hobo! Vile, disgusting thing full of loathing!" Ilya said a bit nervously. This was how Rin did it, right? The alternation of hostile and pleasant moods? She _knew _she should have watched more anime! "T-though actually I think you..."

"Yes, yes." Shirou said, getting out his mop and starting to fill a bucket. "That's really nice."

_Noooooooooooo! _Ilya thought. _None of it is working! ... Fine! If that's the only option. I had hoped not to use this, but... I will strike you down, Shirou, with the greatest and most charming point that Rin possesses! Her one, unique trait, that caught your eye like no other! _

**Operation Rin, Phase EXTRA: Has a Servant That Hates Shirou**

Shirou halted in his bucket filling as the aura of death descended on his home.

Where only a second before there had just been empty air in the center of the kitchen, the Black Giant stood. His broad shoulders crushed the ceiling tiles. His weight spread hairline cracks along the floor. The axe in his hand seemed to scream, as if bearing upon it the curse of a thousand souls whose blood it had spilled. His breath was hot; even in the warm summer air, it steamed like blood on snow.

And he gazed upon the suddenly quite, quite horrified Shirou with a glare of purest malevolence.

"Earn Shirou's love, Berserker!" Ilya said.

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAARGH!" Berserker said, interpreting this order the way he interpreted most orders: kill.

"OHGODOHGODOHGOD..." Shirou said, dodging the descending axe-sword by so little that the wind from Berserker's swing actually hurled him out of the room. He struck the door leading outside and went through it, rolling with the impact and coming to his feet in seconds on combat-honed reflexes. He turned to run...

"... seriously?" He said, upon seeing Beauregard directly in his path.

The lion, still wearing his lion saddle and relaxing in the sun, looked up at the sound of Shirou's voice, his ears perking. Those same ears then flattened beneath his mane as he let out a low growl and poised to pounce.

"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Berserker roared, bursting out of the house.

Shirou picked a direction and ran for his life. It wasn't as though he had a whole lot of other options.

Ilya watched all this with an increasingly confused expression, finally sighing in defeat when she saw Shirou fleeing into the distance rather than sweeping her off her feet as planned.

"I _knew _I should have gotten Berserker a red coat."

**Mission: Failed**


	4. Einzbern File 004

**Einzbern File #004: Sakura Matou**

Ilya stormed into the manor, fire in her eyes.

"Berserker, Beauregard: time-out. Sella, Leysritt: tea, _now_."

Sella and Leysritt winced. Consolation Mode wouldn't be cheering up the young mistress this time. When she got like this, It was best to not speak to her, not make eye contact, and if possible be on another continent. Since this was not an option, Sella settled for acquiring the tea as quickly as damn well possible (2.37 minutes, a new personal best) and keeping her head carefully lowered.

"Didn't go well, Milady?" Leysritt asked.

Had Sella been a less dignified existence, she would have punched her sister through the wall for that one. Upon discovering a nest of hornets, only Leys would think the proper course of action was to head-butt it.

"Ya _think?_" Ilya snarled.

Sella winced again. The Mistress was _really _not happy. She wasn't even trying to pretend that she had dignity and class anymore. She had to defuse this, and quickly. "Milady, your tea is ready..."

"What? Tea? Why would you bring me tea? I hate tea! Are you trying to poison me?"

_Giving orders and then pretending she didn't give them so she has something to complain about? This is worse than I thought. _Sella thought. Out loud, she said, "I apologize, milady. Shall I splash it on my own face? It's quite hot." It wasn't, really; Sella was an excellent maid, and an excellent maid is always keenly aware of the fact their master might choose to throw something in their face. The tea was pleasantly warm.

To Sella's dismay, Ilya appeared to be seriously considering it, but finally said, "Eh, I don't think even that will cheer me up."

"Thank you, Milady."

There was a long, meaningful silence.

"I said I don't _think_." Ilya said.

Sella sighed, and closed her eyes.

* * *

Ilya sat in front of the screen, and rubbed her eyes. This latest setback had opened her eyes to something, and while she didn't exactly like the implications, she couldn't rightfully deny it any longer. Sighing sadly, she typed out something that, in retrospect, she should have probably gotten down before now:

**Primary Mission Point (Applies to All Girls): Shirou Does not Enjoy Having his Life Threatened. **

This was problematic, she felt, because it kind of put her position further behind than it already had been. She had _really _been hoping for that masochist thing, and admittedly some of her efforts so far had been a little bit harsh on Shirou's health.

Well, except in the sense of giving him a lot of exercise.

And to make matters worse, she had already exhausted all the charms of both Saber _and _Rin, which left her with only one candidate to work with.

Sakura wasn't a _bad _candidate, granted. She had been basically living with Shirou for years now, so he must like _something _about her. But... but...

Ilya sighed. _But my last two efforts were a bust. Maybe I'm just not good at guessing what guys like in a girl? I am a girl, so maybe I don't know. I might need a consultant. A male's opinion. _

"Berserker! Your time out is over!" Ilya called. "I need something."

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Berserker deposited the squealing sack on her floor. "Welcome to the command center!" Ilya said. "I hope Berserker wasn't too rough with you."

"Oh God... oh God... please don't kill me..." Said the young, dark-haired man in the sack, his eyes wide and his glasses askew. Given that a giant had just broken into his house and kidnapped him, it was kind of understandable that Issei Ryudou was a bit... nervous at the moment.

"Eh? I'm not going to kill you, I wanted to ask you a favor." Ilya said, her tone one of sincere confusion. "Berserker, did you tell him I was gonna kill him?"

"Grrrrrrrar."

"... Oooooooh, right. Yeah, sorry about that." Ilya said. "Sooooo... you're gonna do me a favor."

"You kidnapped me! Why would I do you a favor?" Issei snarled.

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..." Berserker said. He didn't reach for his axe, but somehow a general aura of axeishness fell over the room anyway.

"... I would be happy to help." Issei said, much more politely.

"Sooooooo... I'm trying to seduce somebody, only he keeps paying attention to other girls. And it vexes me Ijay, it vexes me."

"My name is Issei."

"Whatever. So, I am trying to determine what it is that these girls have that I don't, and... um... results have been... mixed."

"Mixed." Issei said. "Really."

"... he definitely _noticed _me. I'm 100% sure of that."

"Uh... huh. And I'm sorry, but what do you think I can do about it?" Issei asked.

"You're a guy! You can tell me exactly what's so appealing about the last girl candidate!"

"... ... ... I can?"

"Of course you can! You're a guy! You know all kinds of stuff about what's attractive in a woman that I wouldn't."

"Um... yeaaaaaah... I really wouldn't. Exactly. For... reasons."

Ilya blinked. "I don't follow."

"... do I _really _have to say it?" Issei asked. "Look, the thing is that I really _don't think _I can help you. At all. My opinion is not valid on this. So... can I go?"

"Well... um... if you _really _refuse to help, I guess that's okay." Ilya said. "The exit is that way."

Issei nodded in thanks, got up to leave, and opened the only door out of the room.

There was a lion on the other side.

Issei closed the door.

"On the other hand," He said, "I _am _already here, and I guess I'm at least familiar with the _theory_, so maybe I can stay and try to help. For a little while. ... Please don't send me out with the lion."

"Yay!" Ilya said. "See, Berserker, I knew he was a nice guy."

**Twenty Minutes Later...**

Ilya, Beauregard, and Berserker paced restlessly through the halls outside the War Room. Well,

Ilya paced. Beauregard kinda slept, and Berserker was basically a statue. But Ilya was pacing enough for three people, so it worked out.

"What is _taking him so long?_" She grumbled.

"Grrrrrr." Beauregard said.

"Grrrrrr." Berserker said.

"... you're right. I should try to calm down. Worrying won't make this go any faster, and a lady must be dignified..."

The door creaked open.

"_Talk, damn you! Tell me her secrets!" _Ilya shrieked, leaping on the opening door like a pouncing wolf and grabbing at Issei's shirt to drag the knowledge from him.

"G-gah! I... um... all right, all right, I... I have a couple thoughts! Just... please let go and make sure the lion and the monster don't eat me, and..."

"Berserker doesn't eat people, he just kills them horribly. _Talk, you fool!_" Ilya squealed.

"All right." Issei said, holding aloft a single piece of printer paper. "After examining the girl in question, I think I have something for you." He handed the paper to Ilya, who practically tore it from his hands in her eagerness to read.

**Sakura Matou**  
**Charm Points: Purple Hair. **

**"**... ... ... ... that's it?"

"It's the most unique thing I could see about her," Issei said. Bless his little soul, he sounded almost proud. "I suggest hair dye."

"... Ikay?"

"It's Issei, actu-"

"_Get back in there and give me something I can work with._" Ilya said, her tone so cold frost could have formed on the door.

"... yes'm."

**An Hour and Half Later...**

The door creaked open somewhat less confidently than the last time. "Um... scary girl..." Issei said hesitantly.

Ilya shot up from her place on the floor. "_I didn't fall asleep_! ... I mean... good work, Ivay."

"... ... yeah. Can I please go home, now? Alive?" Issei asked, handing over his second, much better-thought-out attempt.

"... Hmmmmmm. Okay... yesssssss... yes, I can make this happen... it makes a..._twisted _sense!" Ilya said, her lips curving into a wicked grin. "Berserker! Take him home!"

"Oh God please nOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..." Issei screamed as Berserker lifted him like a sack of potatoes and bounded off into the distance. Ilya paid them no heed... she had a war to win.

**Preparations Complete. Commence Operation.**

* * *

Shirou opened his eyes, briefly glancing back and forth, his gaze hunted and alert.

He had taken to sleeping in increments of ten-fifteen minutes at a time, just to be safe. Sleeping for more than that offered too much time for lions to break into the house. He needed to be ready to run at a moment's notice.

He no longer cooked; food took too long. Even going to the store required that he divert his attention from survival for precious minutes, and when dealing with Berserker even that much could be fatal. He subsisted on wild berries, garbage, earthworms; anything that could be acquired and required no preparation time.

He also no longer bathed. _Ilya might hear the water. _

For some reason, people no longer visited him. Shirou didn't understand why they would judge his efforts to preserve his own existence so harshly; he was only doing what must be done. But he supposed it was for the best, in the end. Any one of them could be Ilya in disguise.

Leaving his bed, which he had cunningly moved into the back yard after putting a decoy bed in his bedroom, he wiped the rainwater from his hair and looked in the door to the main hall. He looked left, and he looked right. No lions. It was safe to move to the next room and perform the lion check there, too. He would check each room, scavenge for food, and then catch another fifteen minutes of sleep. Assuming the Night Terrors didn't come.

He froze, then, upon hearing a noise in the house. On the one hand, it might have been a rat, which would have made a fine meal. On the other...

Slinking silently down the hallway, barely even breathing, he cast his gaze around the corner into the living room.

He saw something white near the remains of the couch.

Without a word, Shirou bolted for the door. He had let the predator get too close, and now he needed to flee before...

A pair of giant bronze hands clamped onto him from behind, lifting him from the floor. _No... no...! _Shirou thought, his legs flailing helplessly. All his work, all his precautions, wasted. He was doomed, well and truly doomed. The Giant would bring him back to Ilya, and then his existence as Shirou Emiya would come to an end, his existence as That Funny Stain on the Floorboards only just beginning.

_I tried. To everyone I have known and loved, I will miss you. Remember me as I was; not as the filth encrusted hermit I am, and most certainly not as the pile of hamburger I am about to become. Shinji is not invited to the funeral. _Shirou thought, ceasing his struggles. He would face death with what little dignity he had left.

Berserker carried him to the living room, and set him down firmly on the floor across from Ilya.

She took a deep breath.

Shirou closed his eyes. He didn't want to see the moment coming.

"I'm so sorry, Onii-chan." Ilya said, tears filling her eyes.

"... … … huh?"

"I-I've... been nothing but an inconvenience to you, I know. I've always just gotten in the way, even when I do my best to make you happy." Ilya said. She looked away, unable to face him. "I... I really do try. I try as hard as I can. B-but I don't know what keeps going wrong. Even when it seems so _right _to me, you d-don't like it. A-and I know it's my fault, because I'm clumsy and stupid and I can't do _anything _right and..."

_Oh, this just isn't fair. _Shirou thought.

"I... is there any way you could forgive me?" Ilya asked, turning her gigantic, sad eyes up at him, her expression one of purest heartache.

Ryudou Issei did not really 'get' women, for the most part. But beginner's luck can be a powerful force, and he had provided Ilya with a powerful weapon: pure, distilled essence of moe.

**Sakura Charm Point #001 (Ivey Ryoko [Name May Be Incorrect] Advice Mode): Um... I don't know if this is the sort of thing you're interested in, but Sakura is gentle, quiet, humble, and really nice. Have you just tried that? **

Inwardly, Ilya smirked. It was working like a _charm_.

Outwardly, she took on an expression that was somewhere between 'innocent smile' and 'absolute sadness'. "P... _please?_"

_Oh, Sweet God. This is so, unbearably cheap. _Shirou thought, his heart pummeled by merciless waves of sympathy. "I... guess I can... maybe..." Shirou said.

Ilya's smile of joy _lit up the room_. Quite possibly literally; Shirou was pretty sure the dim room actually got a little bit brighter, and one could never tell with Ilya. She was magic and stuff. "_Onii-chan, thank you!" _She squealed, leaping into his arms and wrapping him in a hug.

"... … … heh. You're welcome." Shirou said, a gentle smile coming to his own lips. Maybe Ilya had just been sick the last few days or something; this was actually pretty nice. He could get _used _to this Ilya. She was really nice.

He did not, of course, see her face nuzzled against his chest split in a smile of absolute malice. _Victory. Is. Mine. Sakura, I'll buy you a fruit basket. And mail it to you at the home for **old ladies who don't have a man, **which is where you're going to be living! Bwahahahahahahahaha!_

Things were, indeed, going pretty well. Issei's advice had been just about perfect; Sakura's niceness combined with Ilya's adorableness was a brutally efficient combination that pierced to the heart of any man who saw it.

And if he had stopped at one piece of advice, this might have been the end to Ilya's Grand Crusade.

Shirou lifted his head out of the hug in curiosity and sniffed at the air a few times. "Hey, Ilya... do you smell something?"

"Amazing sex?" Ilya suggested. "I smell it every time I look at you..."

"... um... actually, I meant smoke."

"... oh, crap." Ilya said.

**Sakura Charm Point #002 (Ikea Ravioli [Name May Be Incorrect] Advice Mode): Oh, and she cooks, too. Maybe cook something.**

"Shirou, out of curiosity... lets say that I turned on the stove to cook you something, and then I got distracted and forgot it. What's the _worst _thing that could have happened as a result of that?"

Shirou was silent for a few long seconds.

**About ten very panicked minutes later...**

Shirou, Ilya, and Berserker stood outside the Emiya household, watching it burn merrily.

"In my defense, things were goin' _really well _until the end there." Ilya said.

Shirou just kind of sobbed.

**Mission: Failed**


	5. Einzbern File 005

******Einzbern File #005: Mission Debriefing**

Shirou rubbed his temples, sitting across from Ilya at the dining room table in the Tohsaka Manor, where Rin had been kind enough to let him camp out while his house was ashes. "So... you thought that by being more like the other girls, I would pay attention to you more?"

Ilya nodded. "It worked amazingly well, too! … On paper. In the real world, it didn't quite turn out as planned."

"You burned my _house down_."

"... we don't know that for sure." Ilya said. "_Someone _started a fire in the kitchen. You didn't _see _me do it."

"I thought nobody else was in the house."

"It might have been a fire-burglar!" Ilya protested.

"... sure." Shirou said, getting the impression that down this path lay brain-death. "Still, _why _would you think that acting like another girl would, in any way, help you get more of my attention?"

Saber walked into the room, holding Beauregard on a leash. "Shirou, I have tamed this lion. It is... I find it quite pleasant, and if possible, I should like to keep it." As she said this, she blushed in possibly the most adorable manner possible, while clearly forcing her expression to remain cool and serious.

Sakura entered through another door, holding a tray of something steaming and smelling absolutely wonderful. "Oh, senpai, when I heard you were here I rushed right over! I figured you probably hadn't had time to eat with all the... excitement... so I made you some hot soup. And if it's okay, I brought some fresh clothes for you. And I worked up these blueprints for your new house and hired a construction company."

Rin entered behind Saber, a scowl on her face. "Geez... Emiya, you better thank me for this. After the way you scared the _hell _out of me, you're lucky I didn't leave you out in the cold." She turned her gaze aside, closing her eyes. Something that_ might _have been a tear rolled from one of them. "You idiot... how could you worry me like that...?"

Shirou blinked.

Ilya rolled her eyes. "Gee. How could I _possibly _have thought being more like them would have caught your eye?"

Sakura gasped. "Oh, Ilya! That's not good, you should always be yourself! You're a special, unique..."

"Oh, shut up." Ilya grumbled. "It didn't _work_, so putting on the goodie-two-shoes isn't needed."

"Just for that, you only get five marshmallows in your cocoa with breakfast." Sakura said, her tone indicating this was a grave punishment.

"_See what I mean?" _Ilya snapped, pointing at Sakura. "How do I compete with this? I bet she goes out in the evenings to the forest and sings songs with the woodland creatures and little birds land on her finger when she whistles for them!"

"Oh, no, that's only happened once or tw-" Sakura began.

"_Shut up!_" Ilya said. "And Saber! For starters, have you _ever _met a person who did not immediately describe you as 'inhumanly beautiful'?"

"... some have used 'angelically perfect'." Saber replied.

"And you constantly go around all dignified and regal and people love that, and then when you do something goofy like trying to adopt a lion, everyone _loves that too!_It's like you can literally do no wrong!"

"I have done wrong, Ilya." Saber said, dramatically. "In the final days of my kingdom, I..."

"I _swear to God_, if you start angsting about your past, I will whistle for Berserker."

"... it was not really _angst_. I don't think it was, at least. It seemed rather justified to me..." Saber said doubtfully.

"Rowr." Beauregard said reassuringly.

"_Judas_." Ilya hissed.

"Rowr." Beauregard said.

"I will _remember this_." Ilya said very, very coldly. "And last but not least, we have little miss school idol. And I'm just gonna say it now, Rin: you're the one I hate the most. I really do. I'm not sure if it's the legs, which I will never have, and_ yes I realize you have no control over that but I do not care._ Or the fact that the personality you show to 99% of people is a huge lie, and nobody seems to care. Or the fact the personality you show to the remaining 1% of people is a _bitch_, and nobody seems to care about _that, _either!"

"... … Shirou, can I punt her?" Rin asked. "I'd like to punt her."

"See that?" Ilya snapped. "Anyone else threatening child abuse would get yelled at, but somehow she just makes it seem charming and _I hate it_."

"You're not a child..."

"_We are not focusing on me right now!_" Ilya shrieked. "My _point _is: with girls so _unrealistically, impossibly perfect_, how the _Hell _am I supposed to compete?"

A low, buzzing sound filled the silence left by this final, shrieking remark. "Oh, um... sorry, phone." Shirou said, reaching into his pocket. "Oh, it's my girlfriend."

If the silence brought on by Ilya's screeching rant was deep, the silence that followed this remark was a Black Hole. As one, each of the girls looked around the room, to see if one of them had for some reason chosen to take out a phone and call Shirou from three feet away.

"Heeeeey, how are you?" Shirou asked his phone. "I'm fine, I'm fine... just a small accident, nothing too bad. Yeah... there _was _a fire, but nobody was hurt, and a friend from school is letting me stay with them."

Rin began to clench and unclench her fists. _Friend from school? _She mouthed silently.

"Yeah, and a few other friends stopped by, too. It's like I'm surrounded by family, almost!" Shirou said cheerfully. "So don't worry. I'll be okay. _More _than okay. And I'll definitely see you as soon as I can manage, okay? Love you."

There was more silence. Sakura looked as though she might spontaneously combust. Saber, in contrast, might as well have been an ice sculpture.

"Noooo, you hang up." Shirou said. "No, you! No, you! Okay, on the count of three, we hang up together. One... two... three... … … _you didn't hang up either!_"

He sounded so _happy_.

Ilya squeezed her soup spoon so hard it twisted.

Finally, Shirou said, "Well, my charger was in the house, so... yeah. Yeah. Tomorrow, definitely. Love you again, dear. Talk to you then." He shut the phone, smiling calmly. "Isn't it amazing? After all that's happened, one conversation with that girl and I just feel... fresh and new."

Let it never be said that Shirou was super-amazing at reading the mood.

"Shiiiiiiiiroooooooou..." Ilya said. "_Who was that?" _

"H-huh?"

"I picked up on these three when I should have been researching a Dark Horse?" Ilya snapped. "Who was it? Rider? Tiger? The crazy nun? Archery Girl? Those three meaningless scenery bitches from the prologue? _Talk!_"

"... the prologue of what...?" Sakura murmured.

Shirou blinked. "I... why is this a problem?"

"It is." Saber said.

"It so much is." Rin agreed.

"Please speak up, Senpai." Sakura said.

"I _will literally kill you_." Ilya said.

"U-um... her name is Ayaka..."

"... … … you mean Ayak_o_, right?" Everyone asked.

"Noooo... Mitsuzuri is like a sister to me, I would never..." Shirou said. "Look. Her name is Ayaka Sajyou."

"... … … who?" Rin asked.

"I... that is not a name I am familiar with. Though on the other hand, it _does _for some reason make me think of being a man." Saber said.

"... what?" Sakura asked.

"She... she lives in the next town over, and goes to high school there. We met a few months ago when she came over here to shop, and just... well, really hit it off. She's a lot like me, and really quiet and sweet, and we just... well, it went..."

"Hold on." Ilya said. Taking Shirou's cell phone (He had, by this point, figured out not to protest), she dialed a few numbers. "Hello, Sella? Question. Our perfect intelligence network... did we check _other schools? _No? No. Wow, that is... wow. Only checked one school. Tell me, Sella, _does that sound perfect to you? _Because to me, that sounds like _the most glaring omission imaginable. _Why did we assume that all important girls would go to one school? … what do you mean 'because they do'? What do you mean, 'I didn't complain when we were doing it'? Oh, you had better make some more tea, because when I get home, you are going to be throwing it in your face for a _week_."

"So, Emiya." Rin said. "You've been seeing someone from another school."

"... … … yes?" Shirou squeaked.

"And you've just been leading us all on for... fun?"

"... … … no?" Shirou squeaked. "I... I wasn't really leading you..."

"You _were_, senpai." Sakura said. "It was _unkind_, senpai."

"Perhaps," Saber said. "We were simply not the right _kind _of woman to appeal to him. We should try, perhaps, being more like another girl. One who might appeal to him."

"... B-but you... you don't even know Ayaka..." Shirou said. Very, very quietly.

Saber smiled.

It was not a good smile_. _

"I was thinking that, perhaps, the girl who has most captured your notice _recently _was Ilyasviel herself." Saber said. Her hand meaningfully slipped to Beauregard's collar.

Rin smiled. It was also not a good smile. "You're _right_. Why, she's just about dominated his thoughts."

"Taken up _so much _of his time." Sakura agreed, smiling a smile that was so, so far from good.

As a man who is drowning seeks a life preserver, Shirou turned to Ilya, eyes wide and seeking protection.

Ilya smiled sweetly. "I love you too, onii-chan."

Shirou turned and ran, the lion hot on his tail.

Love was a funny thing, sometimes.

**Mission File: Closed. **

* * *

**Author's Note: Ayaka was such an inside joke I fear most will not get her; basically, that's the name of the (female) character who was originally to be the central protagonist of the original idea for Fate/Stay Night, wherein Saber was a dude. ... the people on Beast's Lair laughed it up. **

**Also, as 'final chapter' as this looks? There is one more to come. :3**


	6. Einzbern File EXTRA

**Author's Note: This took me waaaaaaay too long to get out. But I have been very tired and very busy, and hey: it's here. So, y'know... I got it done _eventually. _Enjoy. _Enjoy. _**

**And props to Elf, for helping me come up with the idea that I horribly mutated and corrupted to write this. **

**And since I need to promote myself shamelessly... I have started making and selling original fiction. Please see my Author Profile for links, and I appreciate any support you choose to give. More, I hope you enjoy enough to comment. It's something I've always wanted to do, and... I just hope I'm good enough to do it. ^_^**

**Einzbern File #EXTRA: Post-Mission Debriefing**

Ilya made a sound somewhere between a growl and a sigh. "More."

Sella coughed politely. "Milady, you and your guests have already consumed roughly eight gallons. Perhaps you..."

Ilya's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I'll _tell _you when I've had enough!" She snarled, waving her cup menacingly.

Sella sighed. "As milady wishes. Another bowl of triple-chocolate cookie explosion ice cream, then?"

Rin raised her head. "Make it another here, too," She said, wiping the chocolate from her mouth.

"Another all around!" Sakura crowed, actually appearing to vibrate slightly from the roughly a pound of pure sugar she had inhaled. "The chocolate makes my emotions numb!"

"... … … Sakura might have had enough," Ilya admitted.

"Rowr," Beauregard said.

"It's a bit late to start agreeing with me now, traitor," Ilya said.

"Rowr?"

"If Saber weren't here, I would make you into _boot lining,_" She hissed.

"Rowr." Beauregard said sadly.

"Do not worry, my friend. You are under my protection," Saber said.

"Rowr," Beauregard said, a bit smugly.

"Someday. Someday," Ilya said softly.

"... you guys, this is wrong," Rin said.

"I agree! Nobody has given me my next bowl of ice cream and I think I literally need the sugar to live at this point!" Sakura said, possibly just a bit too quickly. "My heart might stop soon! Chocolate please!"

"No, I mean... why are we doing this? Why are we _moping? _So this one guy didn't like us. He's just _one guy,_" Rin said. "You know, I bet we could go out and find other guys."

"_It wouldn't be the right guy._" Ilya said.

"Why is that so bad? I mean, what was so great about Shirou?" Rin asked.

"He was... he was so very Shirou," Saber said. "No other man, I feel, possesses his unique and unassailable Shirouness..."

"You just liked him because he was an awesome cook," Rin said accusingly.

"... the food was _so good," _Saber said, a single tear running down her face. "Each day brought new and exotic culinary delights. I had the greatest meals of my life in that house... have you ever had English cooking? _Medieval _English cooking, no less? It is like gazing into the heart of Hell, and then putting that same Hell _inside your mouth_. Shirou's food brought light to my existence."

"Yes, but there are other guys who can cook, Saber. And y'know, girls if you're into that sort of thing... not that... not that you necessarily are, but if you were, it might..."

"Subtle, nee-san."

"... shut up, Sakura."

"If you want me to shut up, then maybe you should get me some _ice cream_, woman!" Sakura snarled.

Ilya sighed. "You know, I do think that Rin has a point. Oh, not about going lesbian... that's her own repressed issues right there..."

"I'm not repressing! I'm... I'm not saying that _I _would be going into girls, just that... that Saber might want some food from... women who... women who cook," Rin said rather weakly. "I wouldn't be the one who was cooking it. Necessarily."

"That's right, sweetie. If the closet fits, you just stay right on in it. I'm sure it's really snug in there," Ilya said soothingly.

"I am _not _in the..."

"But Rin does have a point about this whole situation being not good for us!" Ilya said. "I mean, Saber is weeping over cooking and stealing secondhand lions."

"I didn't steal him, he asked to be my companion," Saber said defensively.

"Rowr," Beauregard said.

"And Sakura has eaten what I think might very well be a lethal dose of ice cream," Ilya said.

"I can hear my own heartbeat!" Sakura said cheerfully. "In fact, I can hear _everyone's _heartbeats, and they are telling me that I _need more ice cream_!"

"We really _are _kind of pathetic here," Ilya said. "So what do we do about it?"

"We could have _more chocolate _because the chocolate makes my _blood sing_," Sakura suggested brilliantly.

"... okay, wow, how much of that stuff have you had?" Ilya asked. "I'm genuinely worried about you now."

Sakura flashed all ten of her fingers too quickly to be seen. "This much!"

"..."

**_Ten minutes later..._**

As Sakura was loaded onto the ambulance, the other girls looked on. "Well, we know what Sakura will be doing for the foreseeable future," Ilya said. "Getting her stomach pumped. Not exactly the... _ideal _solution, but y'know, at least she has a plan. That's a step in the right direction."

"Food is dangerous to the uninitiated. She should have trained harder," Saber said simply.

"I didn't think chocolate _had _a lethal dose," Rin admitted. "I hope she'll be okay."

"She's a hardy sort. And besides, this helps us out by lowering the general amount of thinking we need to do," Ilya said. "So in a way, if she dies it removes a lot of complications."

"... that's my sister, you little psychopath," Rin said.

Ilya smiled sweetly. "Rin. I want you to look deep into my eyes and tell me something. Do you think... _really _think... that I care enough about _you _to care about your _sister_?"

"... ... ... point. Still, it's tacky,"

"Ilyasviel is a horrible person, but she does have a point," Saber said gently. "We need a plan of attack. Some way to determine where our lives go from here."

Ilya smiled.

**_Later, in the War Room..._**

"You have a war room?" Rin asked, a slightly horrified look in her eyes. She was starting to realize, somewhat belatedly, that she was the sanest girl in the room.

"Of course I have a War Room, Rin. And say it capitalized," Ilya said, her tone implying Rin was just about the dumbest person who had ever lived.

"How did you know I didn't...?" Rin asked, eyes wide.

"Those of us who have had War Rooms can tell," Saber said with the indefinable pride of one who has had not only a War Room, but the most famous War Room of all time. "A fine room, Ilyasviel. It will serve us well in our planning."

"Damn straight, it will. If I'm gonna plan a War, it's gonna be planned in a War Room. That's just logic,"

"Oh, I think logic left the building awhile ago..." Rin murmured.

"Now, I think we have a few options. Option #1, and the one I like most of all: Kill Ayaka Sajyou. Just kill the bitch stone dead. Anyone else like this option?"

"... I know we are not fond of this young lady..." Saber said.

"Evil harpy," Rin agreed.

"Man-stealing gutter whore," Ilya said cheerfully.

"But I feel this might be excessive. Just... just a tad."

"Why? She has something I want, so I murder her. That's how I've solved most of my problems up until now and it's worked out well," Ilya said cheerfully.

"That... that isn't how most people solve their problems..." Rin said a bit doubtfully.

"Most people don't have an all-powerful murdergiant at their disposal," Ilya said cheerfully. "Berserker can totally kill this bitch. It would be fun for him, even. Get him some exercise. He doesn't get out of the house often enough."

"... Ilyasviel, Berserker is not really a _pet..." _

"... ... since when?" Ilya asked, blinking in confusion.

"Ilya. We're not murdering Ayaka," Rin said firmly.

"Well, _fine_. If you're going to be spoilsports about it, we'll go to option #2. Kill Shirou," Ilya said, an image of Shirou appearing on the War Room monitor with an 'X' through his face.

"...why did you have that image already made?"

"Oh, I made that before I moved to Japan. You know... back when I was a younger girl, innocently dreaming of the day I could eviscerate my big brother. Ah, the memories of my youth..." Ilya said nostalgically.

"You are a horrifying little thing, has anyone ever told you that?" Rin asked.

"Yes, but I generally ignore opinions that disagree with my own thoughts," Ilya said calmly.

"_I knew it!" _Sella screamed from outside the room.

Sakura walked into the War Room, clutching her stomach. "Oh... oh God... never, ever let me have chocolate ever again, Nee-san..."

"Oh, welcome back Private Sakura. We're planning to kill Shirou," Ilya said warmly.

"... am I still unconscious? Because this has an oddly dreamlike quality to it," Sakura said, looking around the room.

"Sadly, no," Rin said. "And we are _not _killing Shirou,"

"Awwwwwwwwww, but why not? He has it coming!" Ilya said. "You wet blankets won't let me kill anyone!"

"Yes, that is kind of the point we are making," Saber said.

"_FINE_. Jeez, you are all just so _lame _today. But all right. We can try this another way. There are a lot of fish in the sea, right? So let's look into Option #3: Find other guys!"

"Why... why is that option #3?" Sakura asked.

"Because it doesn't involve any murder at all, so I didn't think it would be as effective as the other two options," Ilya said.

"..." Sakura said.

"Now, we just need to determine who gets what guy. For Rin, the choice is obvious. After all, there's a tall, dark, handsome gentleman who's had his eye on her for a long time. They really are _incredibly_ compatible, and honestly? I think they would be an even more perfect match for her than Shirou ever could."

Rin blushed lightly. "I-I think I know who you're hinting at, and... I'm sure he would _never _think of me that way. I mean, he used to _be _Sh-"

"Hercules!" Ilya said cheerfully. "He used to be Hercules."

"... what."

"_Berserker_!" Ilya screamed. "_Come find love!"_

Berserker exploded into the room with a roar that shook the foundations of the very castle.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Rin said.

Sweeping down on her faster than the eye could see, Berserker plucked Rin up in his arms and ran off, ignoring her shrieks of protest.

Ilya sighed in contentment. "Aaaaah, a match made in Heaven. Those crazy kids will be so happy together."

Sakura and Saber both made some motions that looked like they were trying to say something, but no words were coming out.

"Okay! Let the matchmaking continue. Saber, for you, I think..."

"I am gay!" Saber declared loudly.

"Huh?"

"Yes... I only like... the... women," Saber said, her voice straining somewhat. "They are... so... girlish. How... how girlish they... they are. Just... can't get enough of that."

"... oh," Ilya said. "Darn. And Caster's already taken, too..."

"_WHAT?! _I mean... no. I cannot be match-made because that is... insulting to the... the gay... community. Of which I am one."

"... how is that...?"

"_IT JUST IS, DO NOT QUESTION MY RELIGION!" _Saber snapped.

"... being gay is a religion?" Sakura asked.

"And if you have any sense," Saber whispered, "You will convert before she tries to match you with Shinji or something."

Sakura's eyes widened in horror. "Ah! Yes, I... too... am also gay for the women. Have been for... so... many... seconds. Years! I mean years."

"Huh. Religion is a tricky thing," Ilya said. "Well, I guess that just leaves me. But... really, are there any men _good _enough for me? I mean, I'm not like you guys. I have standards."

"... maybe you should just... stay alone," Saber suggested delicately. "For the good of the world's m- I mean... for your... pride. Because clearly, nobody deserves you."

"Hmmmmm... you know, you're right!" Ilya said cheerfully. "Nobody _does _deserve me!"

"No matter how horrible they are!" Sakura agreed.

"Shinji is still single, Matou Girl," Ilya threatened.

"I mean... you're just the most awesome person ever!" Sakura said, taking several steps back.

Ilya clicked a button on her War Room computer, and a giant picture of herself in the middle of a huge gold star appeared on the screen. "And that," she said cheerfully. "Is the most important war data of all!"

Saber leaned over to whisper in Sakura's ear. "This has been among the least pleasant days of my life. And I've died before."

Sakura shrugged. "Still beats Shinji,"

**_Elsewhere..._**

Rin sat at the table, rigid with fear, the candlelight glittering in her eyes.

Berserker did not smile; he was not capable of smiling. But he did hand her a bouquet of flowers.

"Rargh," he said.

"Eeeeeep," Rin said.

"For the gentleman, a whole ox, as requested," the waiter said, wheeling up Berserker's dinner. "For the lady, I'm afraid that our chefs have never heard of 'OhGodohGodpleasehelpme', and request that you order another dish from our delightful five-star menu."

"Eeeeeep," Rin said.

"Aaaaah, first date jitters," the waiter said with a wink. "I'll come back later when you've had some time to think."

Ah, young love. How beautiful it is.

**~ Fin**


End file.
